


If my heart skips again, I will leave you.

by SaraHudson112



Category: bts, 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: Also Poly relationship, Also slow and burning pain, And he doesn't want to be hurt again, Bangtan try to fix their relationship with Jimin, But Bangtan sometimes forget Jimin feels a lot, But also, Did I say angst?, Dom/sub Undertones, Jimin doesn't hate, Jimins gets neglected, M/M, Maybe - Freeform, OT7, Park Jimin (BTS) is a Sweetheart, Park Jimin (BTS)-centric, The Author Regrets Everything, The Author Regrets Nothing, You will hate Bangtan, but he is hurt, short fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-25
Updated: 2020-08-09
Packaged: 2021-03-03 02:21:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 11,812
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24367246
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SaraHudson112/pseuds/SaraHudson112
Summary: Jimin doesn't realize he is being left behind by his boyfriends, but when he does, he notices that is more than being left behind, he is sure they don't love him as much as he do, so he decides to move on.It's in the small things... those small things that hurt the most.
Relationships: Jeon Jungkook/Jung Hoseok/Kim Namjoon/Kim Seokjin/Kim Taehyung/Min Yoongi/Park Jimin, Park Jimin (BTS)/Everyone
Comments: 71
Kudos: 382





	1. If they ignore you, that's not the right place: leave.

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone, I'm currently working on another fic that I will update, I promise. But I wanted to publish this story because lately I've been so sad... Jimin hasn't update on twitter while all the other guys looks so happy and I'm happy for them, of course... but sometimes I feel like Jimin is not. I don't know if you get what I'm saying, but maybe I'm crazy. So I wanted to write this... In all the fics I've read of Jimin getting rejected or neglected by the other boys, it always ends up with Jimin forgiven them as nothing happened and staying with them. So I wanted to... (in a way) make them pay. LOL I hope you all liked this. Please note my maternal language is not english and I'm trying my best at writing and correcting my mistakes. So I'm sorry if something is bad.

Jimin normally is not this neglected by his bandmates, but when he realize that nowadays all they do is leaving him by himself, out of their activities, he can’t think of a really good memory of all of them sharing a moment, only when they have sex and that’s it.

Ever since they had group sex, they started acting like that and Jimin slowly put the pieces all together by thinking on all the things they been doing without him in this past weeks... maybe months.

He sighs when the girl finishes his makeup finally for the next shot of the MV he’s been filming all day. It’s already the last part of the MV that he needs to shoot and that would be it, he would be free to go to home and rest. But something was eating his insides since the morning, and it wasn’t a good feeling. He kept glancing at the doors of the studio where they were filming, but no one came other than the staff people.

It’s curious how a little thing can break apart so many things, and he feels deep down on his heart, that maybe he is overreacting, but a big part on his mind tells him otherwise.

The boys not once texted him to know about him.

They didn’t show up at the location so they can support him, and that messed with his head a lot more than the comment Jackson so lightly made when they were chatting in the waiting room of the MAMA’s, he was looking for the boys when he passed by Jackson who was also looking for his own bandmates. They walked together outside of the dressing rooms with their bags and talking about how they always got left behind because they were a little late sometimes.

“It seems like all of our bandmates are more comfortable around everyone but us, even I think sometimes that I can annoy them a little.”

“Don’t say that. I’m sure they love you, but maybe we need to be more careful with our times” Jimin added, just to try to lift the mood for both of them.

“I always watch all the boys hanging around and chatting while you are on the side doing something and they don’t talk to you… I’ve seen it because it’s the same for me.”

Jimin was sure Jackson wasn’t trying to make him doubt his love for his group. It was more like a thing he wanted to get out of his chest because it bothered him and he found someone who could relate to the feeling.

And Jimin related to the feeling very well.

He checks the door of the location one more time before the last shoot of the mv and still no one shows up, so he tries to put on a smile for the cameras and continue with his work.

Finally when he gets home, Jimin hopes for the boys to welcoming him with hugs, appreciation and questions about his day on the filming location and the MV. Serendipity is an important song he made for all of them and he really wants the song to be perfect as well as the MV that was going to be their comeback trailer. But when he arrives, the lights are off and no one is in the house.

He takes off his shoes and turn the lights on, slightly disappointed that no one is there to welcoming him. His heart skips a beat.

“It’s fine… they are busy… with work. That’s it. We have a lot of work to do.” Jimin tells himself while heating cold food he found on the fridge. He’s hungry and he wants to wait for the boys so they can eat together, but he already waited for an hour since he came back from the location and his stomach is hurting so he decides to eat.

He eats the food in front of the TV, watching some random show, glancing every once in a while at the door, waiting for the boys to arrive, but they don’t do it till two hours later. Jimin is already heading to sleep when they arrive at the dorm.

His text messages are left unanswered on the group chat even after 3 hours.

They are chatting and laughing. Jungkook and Taehyung are kissing and Jimin smiles fondly at them.

“Where were you guys?” He asks when they see him and Jimin’s heart skips another beat when he sees how all of them freeze on their place, maybe suddenly remember that no one texted Jimin to let him know they were having dinner at the Italian place that opened a week ago.

“We… we were having dinner, you never showed up” Taehyung says and Jimin tries really hard to keep his smile on, but it fades a little.

“You never texted me that you were waiting for me.”

“Guys, I told you to text Jimin.” RM says as to scold them for forgetting, but Jimin shrugs off.

“It’s ok. Maybe you all thought someone was going to text me. Don’t worry, happens all the time” Jimin says and brushes his hair off of his forehead. “Where you went?”

“The Italian place! It was so good!” Hoseok answers.

“That’s cool, maybe we could go another time together. Have a good night guys, I’m going to sleep.”

Jimin yawns and wave them good night while walking down the corridor to his bedroom. He doesn’t want to show how sad he feels.

He’s been asking to go to that place the whole week.

***

A week passes without anything weird, they all spend time together in the practice room or in the studio, doing their respective work to prepare for the new comeback. Still no one has asked about the MV or how was it, but Jimin thinks it’s fine, they are going to see it once it’s out, so he needs to focus on something else.

He knows it’s taking him a lot more than Hoseok or Jungkook to learn the movements of the new choreography, so he stay pass the time of practice in the room, trying and trying till all his steps are correct and he gets the right movement when the beat drops.

He’s proud of himself once he is done. He will try harder next day, but all he wants now is head home and have some rest, so he takes his stuff and cleans himself up with a towel, walking outside of the room and thinking on how hungry he is and the stupid diet he has to do so he doesn’t gain any weight again, before and after the comeback. He makes it to the first floor when he sees YoonGi and Hoseok walking outside. Is very late at night so he’s glad he can go home with them.

“Hyungs!” Jimin calls for them, but he drops his cellphone so he takes a little longer to get out of the building, and by the time he does it, YoonGi and Hoseok are no longer there, a taxi was heading off maybe to their dorm and Jimin sighs because he clearly called loudly for them and they didn’t wait for him.

He only has money for the subway.

An hour later he arrives at the dorm and Hoseok is in the kitchen, making himself a sandwich while the others are watching a movie.

“Hyung! I called out you when you were just meters away from me in the building! And you left me there!” Jimin complains, he is really pissed because he was sure they heard him and he had to take the subway which took about an hour for him to get home.

“Ah, Jiminnah. We didn’t hear you” Hoseok says with an apologetic smile on his lips.

“I heard you. I just didn’t want you to share the taxi with us.” YoonGi says, he is back hugging Jungkook while both of them are sitting in the individual couch, and Jimin looks at him like he just slapped him on the face. “You never help us pay, we always have to pay the ride.”

“Hyung…” Namjoon tries to make YoonGi turn down his comments because he can see how Jimin is affected by this.

“Well, I’m sorry. I guess I deserve it.” Jimin says with a slightly smile on his face, fake and hurt, so he walks to his bedroom so he can take a shower and sleep. He’s no longer hungry, but he hears when YoonGi adds another thing.

“If he wants to share the taxi with us at least he should pay once!”

Jimin never asks for another money related favor to any of them.

Another week rounds around and they all are back to normal, the taxi situation gets forgotten and everyone seems to be happy, exhausted by all the work they have on hands, but happy nonetheless.

So they have group sex again.

When it came down to sex, Jimin was always the center of attention, along with the other two _maknaes_ , but he honestly feels more connected with them when they all are touching him and making him feel good.

But something is weird this time. They are being a little rougher than other times and he’s almost choking on someone’s cock because he is blind folded and his hands are tied behind his back. He is always being a little more sensitive than Taehyung or Jungkook. His skin is easily bruised and he is not very resistant to pain, so he’s not comfortable with the guys being rougher with him. He doesn’t enjoy it.

He wants to stop, he wants to say that is too much, that he can’t breathe properly, but as much as he tries to squirm, they don’t make any questions.

Someone is pounding him really hard and he is in pain, he doesn’t longer feel comfortable or like he is having any pleasure.

He gags on another cock when the previous partner leaves him, so he vomits… or at least he feels his gag reflection act but he swallows the vomit because he doesn’t want to choke to death.

He starts crying, but is the usual so they doesn’t pay him any attention and his tears are being dry by the fabric on his eyes. Namjoon pulls out his cock when Jimin bites him, not enough to hurt him, but enough to make him pull away and Jimin screams as loud as he can.

“Red! Red! Red!” He says repeatedly before one of them could be able to restrain his mouth again and he most surely choke to death.

There’s a lot of movement and he gets the fabric out of his eyes, his hands get free and he is crying and gasping for air hard and Hoseok notices that Jimin is bleeding between his tights.

“Fuck, Jimin… Jimin baby, look at me, ok? Don’t close your eyes and look at me” YoonGi says, cupping his face and making sure he can breathe properly. Tae and Jungkook are scared on the corner of the bed and the hyungs are making sure Jimin is ok. They carry him to the bathroom and start cleaning him, taking care of his injury and soothing him in the bath while YoonGi hugs him. They are worried as hell, they are really, really worried and RM even discusses with Jin whether they should call a doctor or not. They decide is better not to call a doctor, they are panicking but Jin knows exactly how to check on the injury and they decide if the injury keeps bleeding, they will get Jimin to the hospital. But it doesn’t keep bleeding, it’s just a small tear on his inside and they have all that covered up so Jimin doesn’t need to go to the hospital. At the end they pact that if Jimin keeps on a lot of pain, they will take him to the hospital without any more questions.

Jimin cries harder and harder until he gets tired of it. He falls asleep out of exhaustion and all of them watch over him for the rest of the night and even the other day, as well as the rest of the week.

They had a day off, so Jimin is pampered with kisses and love all day. He gets to eat his favorite meal and watch his favorite show with all of them around. Making sure he is ok and not hurting. Jungkook, RM and Hoseok are the ones who carry Jimin around and YoonGi, Tae and Jin are the ones who he sits on their laps while eating.

And then everything turns to normal again. They apologize one by one with Jimin and of course, Jimin forgive all of them because he loves them, and he knows that they wouldn’t do anything to hurt him on purpose. So everything is back to normal… more or less.

A month or so Jimin finds Taehyung having sex with YoonGi, and then Jungkook with Jin, RM and Hoseok, and they all take their times with each other, but Jimin never gets invited or touched, not even suggested.

But it’s fine, he knows everyone is just worried about him because of what happened, but he couldn’t help but be a little jealous because he is fine now, he loves them and he wants to have sex with them, but they don’t even look at him in that way. The kiss with him, every once in a while, soft and tender kisses, but that’s it, in everything else, he is left behind.

So the night he asks Namjoon to have sex with him and Namjoon gives him lot of excuses on why he can’t do it, Jimin nods and smiles.

“Well, I’ll go ask YoonGi hyung…” Jimin shrugs and goes directly to YoonGi, only to find him on his room, with Jin and they both ask him to leave as immediately as he gets there.

Taehyung, Jungkook and Hoseok are not in home, but Jimin’s heart skips a beat when he sees the video on twitter, on their personal account, Taehyung, Jungkook and Hoseok are having dinner on the park, as in a date. A date Jimin wasn’t invited. But that’s fine.

Because he loves them, and they all love each other.

It’s fine. They are not making this on purpose to make him feel left behind… but the fact that his mind is thinking that, makes it harder to ignore it.


	2. If they don't respect your words, that's not the right place: leave.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jimin has something to say.  
> <>
> 
> What's the worst you can do to a person? Fill them with love... and then leave.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, beautiful people. I hope you like this chapter! Is full of angst so I hope you don't cry. Also I'm so sorry if this has many gramatical mistakes, please excuse me, I'm trying my best! Let me know what you think about this chapter. Love for all. <3

Jimin easily can tell when something is not right. He can feel it.

He can feel it in the way Taehyung and Jungkook look at him when they are taking a break from his practice and whisper things to each other, maybe thinking Jimin couldn’t see them through the mirror.

He can feel it in the way Hoseok and YoonGi stop talking whenever he gets near them in the studio, they try to hide the fact they were talking something related to him and soon after Jimin arrives, they both ask him to leave or make up something and they leave.

He can feel it in the way Namjoon and Jin doesn’t call him pet names anymore and they just call him by his name. It shouldn’t be a big deal, but it is for him, because he loves when they make him feel loved, which he hasn’t in some time.

So he knows something is not right, and he tries to hide the fact that it hurts, that those actions make him sad and feel lonely, because the comeback is right in front of them and they cannot let any other things distract them. So he puts on a happy face and gives the best of him at practice and rehearsals.

Their routine goes on as the comeback approaches. They have photoshoots to do and some other stuff, but Jimin is stressed, his nerves are wrecking him because this comeback is important and he feels like the pressure is too much and he wants to talk with one of the members, maybe with all of them, have a good time with them and relax so he can calm his nerves down.

**_< Group Chat> <Jimin> [7:35 pm] _ ** _we should have a movie night! Please! I need to have a good time with my boyfriends._

**_< Group Chat> <JK> [8:36 pm] _ ** _Hyung don’t say it like that, we already said that is cringie._

None of them reply to his message for hours and he doesn’t know where all of them are at that moment. That until he calls Jin and he tells him that Namjoon, Hoseok, YoonGi and him are having a date without the babies that night.

So he decides to take a bath because nothing else could calm him down because he doesn’t know where Tae and Jungkook are, he just knows he is alone again, for the third time that month. And they don’t even realize they are drifting apart from him. They don’t touch him or kiss him anymore, like he doesn’t exist in that relationship.

Maybe he doesn’t exist in that relationship. He thinks about it until his head is hurting and his eyes are sore from all the crying. Maybe that’s why they talk behind his back and they look at him like they are planning something.

Jimin decides he is going to be the first one to say good bye before they could do it.

***

The day after their comeback, when they danced perfectly and sang with all their hearts. Jimin decides it is for the better if he steps aside and let them be happy with each other because they seem happy like that. They hug each other one last time after the show is finished and they take a couple of photos before heading home, knowing that they have a pretty tight schedule the next day.

Jimin is so happy for all the fans reactions and how fast the views on the MV are growing, he even notices in twitter some fans praising his look and movements and that’s enough for him to feel proud, so he closes the app before some nasty comments appear, he no longer watch those, he only wants to focus on the positive things. And that’s why he is going to tell all of his bandmates he no longer want to be with them, not because he doesn’t love them anymore, he does, a lot actually, but they are not meant to be.

—Guys, I’ve something to tell you. —He starts, when they are all gathered in the living room watching their performance on the TV. They look up to him and he feels like is the right moment, he is sitting in the individual couch while all of them are hugging or resting on each other, away from him, so he feels in this way it’s easy.

—What’s going on, Jiminnie? —Namjoon asks and Jimin smiles softly because that’s the first time he calls him like that again.

—You know I love you all, right? —He says, but it’s cut off by a grunt from Jungkook.

—Hyung, stop this is cringie…—the maknae complains, but Tae pinches his arm. –Ouch, hey…

—I know, Jungkook… Everything that comes from my mouth is cringie. But that’s what I wanted to talk about. –Jimin tries hard not to let his emotions get the best of him, he doesn’t want to cry or scream and he doesn’t want them to look at him with pity, just because they don’t love him anymore.

—I am going to break up with you. –He finally says, taking a slow breath so his emotions are in control. –I know you don’t love me anymore by the way you treat me and push me aside from all the things that you do. YoonGi hyung I know you hate me because you always leave when I get near to you and Jungkookie I know you hate me too because all the things I said upset you… Tae I hope you don’t hate me, honestly… And Hoseok hyung I know you don’t hate me, but I know you don’t like me that much and that’s why you always take Tae or Jungkook to have dates… and well, you don’t look at me the same way you use to do so it’s better if I break up with you before all of you tell me you hate me or break up in a nasty way with me.

There’s a moment of silence between them while Jimin’s words are settling on everyone, the silence is only broken seconds later by Jin for a moment, but Jimin doesn’t let him speak because he continues.

—Jiminnah, let us explain why we…

—No, Jin hyung, don’t worry I don’t want an explanation.

—Jimin you are saying pure stupid shit, what’s wrong with you? –YoonGi spits, harshly, but Jimin doesn’t look at him because he is afraid. He always thought he had something special with YoonGi but it looks like it was all on his imagination. So he’s afraid of watching those eyes look at him with such hate.

–Yeah, well… there’s no need to be angry. I will still be in the band and I’ll give my best every comeback, there’s no need for you to kick me out of BTS. I still love you and I know you don’t, so let’s keep things calm, ok? –He was having difficulties to talk, his voice getting weird because he is at a point where he could feel tears forming in his eyes.

—Jiminnie, you’re totally wrong, how can you say that? We don’t hate you! –Hoseok speaks, loudly and stressed, but Jimin stands up and shakes his head. The others look at him like he is crazy and they want to speak but he doesn’t let them, he interrupts their speeches because he doesn’t want to hear their excuses. Excuses of why they don’t love him anymore.

—Don’t worry, you don’t have to say it, it’s fine. People fall out of love every day. —He smiles again, but that smile doesn’t reach his eyes and they all can notice. —All of you make me realize that when someone doesn’t love you they push you away, and that’s what you all been doing, pushing me aside… I feel alone… so I hope we can be friends and I don’t have to be alone always, ok? Now… Now I’m going to take a bath and rest… I wish you all the best, and please don’t mind me. I’ll try not to get in between.

—Jimin wait! –Taehyung wants to pull him back and follows him directly as well as the other, but Jimin doesn’t stop on his way up to his room until Taehyung takes his arm. –I said stop! Jimin stop! What are you talking about?

—Taehyung please don’t… don’t make this more difficult to me… -Jimin pleas, a tear finally appears out of his eyes, he looks broken and everyone can see it clearly, how sad he is, how hurt he is and they don’t even have idea the full extent of his feelings.

Namjoon is the one who speaks after Taehyung let go Jimin’s arm.

—Jimin, we need you to take a deep breath and listen to us… you are saying stuff out of context, we don’t hate you... how can you think...?

— Out of context? So I guess you guys leaving me behind on everything you do is out of context… Do you realize none of you have given me a kiss in a month? Or more than a month actually… is that out of context too? You barely even hug me, and ever since we had sex that time when I got hurt, you have never touched me again… Do you think I don’t catch you talking about me and stopping right when I appear? Or when you look at me and whisper at each other like your hiding something from me…. Or how much you ignore my text messages or my calls and you go on dates and never tell me… do you realize I was waiting for you in the MV set and when you didn’t show up I wanted to have a lovely dinner with you and you all went to the Italian place I was begging to go since it opened and yet you forgot to send me a message… or maybe you didn’t want me to join in. –Jimin can’t stop his tears from falling, but he is so upset and hurt, he wants to let all out.

—Jimin, baby… please, we don’t… -YoonGi can’t find the words to stop this madness. It’s all nonsense and he wants to scream at Jimin and tell him he’s wrong, but he can’t find his own voice.

–YoonGi hyung… don’t do this… I know I ask too much from you but all I wanted was a hug, a kiss… to be loved as much as I loved you guys… I wanted to fit in and I thought I had found my place but turns out I did not… It is clear to me now, you all wanted to have sex and when I got hurt, you realized I wasn’t even worth it for sex so you finally dumped me… Just please… please… Don’t kick me out of the group, I love the group, our music… I know you all hate me, but at least let me have this.

—Jimin hyung… all you are saying is not true… we…

—No you don’t… because people who love each other don’t forget the ones they love… people in love don’t make feel the other alone and lost… All I wanted was love... from the people I truly loved… and all I had was nothing… it was fake… Please at least love each other… I know you will be happy without me… better without me… I just… I just want to have my job and that’s it…

Jimin cleans his face with the sleeve of his sweater and smiles again like nothing happened, but again that smile doesn’t reach his sad eyes because he is pretending he’s not hurt, that he is strong. They all look at him like is not the person they know, like some other soul is taking over Jimin’s body and they can’t do anything to save him.

–I’m fine… don’t worry…


	3. You have singularity in your eyes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, everyone! I'm sorry this update is so late. I told myself that I wanted to update every monday but I had a situation with my brother so I'm trying to cheer him up and we've been playing Gears 3 for the past days and I didn't have anytime to write in top of all my other work. TT So I'm sorry if I made you wait too long.   
> I hope you like this chapter, I sweaaar that I'm trying to get better at this writing in english thing. I'll answer you comments so if you have any request for the fic or an idea you want me to explain or write about it, it could help me a lot! Sometimes I struggle to come up with ideas because I get so frustrated with many other things. Thank you so much for your kind comments. <3

Jimin awakes with a jolt from the nightmare he’s having. He feels the shivers down his spine and hugs himself trying to get warm, to find the warmness he feels he has lost. Nowadays he is always cold, so cold.

His bedroom partner is not there. Hoseok no longer sleeps in the same bedroom as him and that hurts, because he doesn’t want them to stop talking to him, but he only realize maybe that’s what they wanted from the beginning and that’s fine. He should have known.

Trying to sleep is futile, he’s lost in his thoughts again and those thoughts hurt him always, is almost like he is putting pressure on his injury making it deeper.

Hoseok is always warm, his smile, face, his movements and laugh, and Jimin misses that warmness, because nowadays he is always cold, so cold.

Staying in bed is just making him go crazy so it’s better if he goes to the kitchen and make himself a cup of tea, maybe he can rest after that or that’s what he hopes for.

Hope… Nowadays all that he’s been doing is hoping. He doesn’t want to get kick out the group, and he doesn’t want to be hated as much as they hate him already so he hopes… he has hope, that they will still keep him because they pity him, so at least he can have his job, his dream, his army.

While he is sipping his cup of tea, he cries silently in the kitchen table, his tears roll out of his eyes in a silent way down to his quivering hands that hold his aching heart.

His voice feels like is no longer there, like it’s been silenced. He doesn’t have a voice anymore, not a face to face himself in the mirror. He’s lost and he is cold. So cold.

—Ah, Jiminnah, you should rest more, your face is terrible. You have bags under your eyes. —The makeup artist is complaining while Jimin is staring at himself in the mirror, silently taking in the state of his round face.

—Am I ugly, _noona_? —He asks and the lady stops the movement of her hand.

—Huh? Ugly? —She feels kind of embarrassed because maybe her comments are taken in the wrong way so she starts her apology but Jimin asks again.

—I’m asking if I am ugly because I think I am… not because of your comments, don’t worry.

—Jiminnah… no, how could you be ugly? You are so handsome, honestly. Doesn’t you look at the comments of your fans? They know. You are so pretty. —The girl says, with a smile on her face and she starts again with her job, putting makeup on Jimin as always, trying to get rid of his under eye bags and make him look like a dream.

But Jimin is still looking at himself, they are not alone in the room, all the other members are there as well as the dressers and makeup artists, but only some of the members catch the comment and they look at Jimin, sitting there like a doll, only moving because he has to.

By the time they finish their routine, all of them are ready to go outside, they are going to make his cheer for themselves but they see Jimin talking with someone as he walks away, so Namjoon doesn’t even suggest that they should do it because it’s all of them or none, and Jimin is not there, he doesn’t even look at them anymore.

Their schedules are so hectic and busy that they have no time to duel on the fact that Jimin is not there, at least not in soul, because he smiles brightly at the cameras and take photos and talks with people, dances perfectly and sings like his heart is on his hands, but all of that just seems fake.

Jimin is a doll… a puppet. And they don’t know who is controlling him.

They cannot have fun at all because Jimin is not there with them. He gets near them enough to take pictures and greet people, he even asks some things but he is always asking for permission of everything, like they are no longer a family, like he doesn’t trust them with anything.

—Oh, I left my wallet and I want a smoothie too. —Jimin complains softly when they stop at Starbucks. He’s talking to himself but all of them can hear him so YoonGi looks at him immediately. Hoseok and Taehyung are there too while the others are in another van.

—I’ll pay for you. –He says, but Jimin doesn’t even look at him, he just stares into the nothing and shakes his head.

—I don’t want your money. —He replies, cold, and YoonGi is kind of taken aback because Jimin has never talk to him like that.

Someone is about to say something, but Jimin doesn’t care because he just goes back to listen music.

Minutes later manager Sejin is again in the van and he handles everyone their drinks and of course, he gives Jimin his favorite smoothie and Jimin takes off his headphones, surprised and smiles brightly at his manager.

—How did you know? —He takes a sip and Sejin smiles back at him, settling on his seat so they can continue their way to the venue where they are having the show with all the other groups for the Mnet show.

—I know you always forget your wallet and I heard you complaining. Plus I know your favorite drink and I wanted to cheer you up.

—Thank you manager nim, you are so kind. —Jimin makes a little heart with his fingers and then sips happily his drink while YoonGi, Taehyung and Hoseok stay in deep silence. They won’t admit it out loud, but they are jealous.

Jimin doesn’t even talk with them, only if he has to and doesn’t interact with them either but all of them are busy all the time. Right now they can’t seat and talk about what’s going on because everything is too much and there’s always someone with them and as soon as they get to their house, Jimin takes a bath and then goes to sleep as soon as he can, because all of them are exhausted.

So their lives are difficult especially because the one they love is ignoring them, every day that passes they feel like they don’t know Jimin anymore, and that hurts.

—This is the way he felt. —Jungkook says, he is speaking softly to YoonGi. They are in the dressing room getting ready for the show. YoonGi and Jungkook are already dressed and with makeup on so they are waiting for the others while watching how Jimin is talking with the makeup artist.

—Yeah… I know… that’s how he felt…—He answers, knowing too well about what Jungkook is talking.

—Alone… ignored… we did this, hyung… —Jungkook bites his lips so he can control his emotions. He wants to cry, because he feels like this is his fault. He’s always been so mean with Jimin, always saying mean stuff to him in the group chat or when they are playing around, when they are practicing or in interviews.

—Don’t blame yourself, kid. Is not your fault.

—I don’t know that… as far as I know I’m part of the problem.

Jimin is smiling at everyone but not looking at anyone of them. When they are ready to go out, they can see Jimin going first, no waiting for them.

Jackson is there too and he catches the younger walking by himself so he takes his arm and Jimin only jumps a little before smiling at him.

—Jackson hyung, you startled me.

—Sorry, my bad. Just wanted to know why you are walking alone? Such a pretty boy shouldn’t be walking alone like that, someone could steal you. —Jackson says, playing and trying to make Jimin laugh because he can notice how tense the situation between all the other boys on his group and Jimin, and not because he knows anything about their problem, just because he feels the same and moves the same as with his bandmates.

—Aish… Hyung, don’t say that. —Jimin laughs, embarrassed but happy to have someone to actually talk to. And it’s Jackson, it has to be him, because he can understand. —You too shouldn’t be here alone by yourself, but maybe we can be alone together, don’t you think?

—Oh, I guess so… I’m going to steal you, definitely. —He says with a bright smile, but Namjoon is behind Jimin and he clearly heard what Jackson said. —You’re not stealing my baby mochi anytime soon. —Namjoon is trying to be nice and polite, Jackson is a friend and he must surely was joking with Jimin, he flirts like that all the time just for a good laugh, but right now Namjoon cannot take his words that easily.

—I’m not your baby mochi anyway, so I’ll go with Jackson hyung instead. —Jimin says and Jackson offers his arm so Jimin can take it.

—Ha! I win over you, Namjoonah! This little baby mochi is mine now! Bye! —Jackson jokes and he laughs with Jimin as they walk towards the main entrance for the stage. Jimin only lets go of Jackson’s arm when they are near there.

—thank you, hyung… I better let go your arm or your fans are going to eat me alive. —Jimin smiles at him and Jackson squeezes so very lightly his cheek.

—Whatever it’s happening for you to cut out Namjoon like that, it must be hard… You can call me anytime if it gets too much, ok? Now smile, you look amazing tonight.

Jimin nods, with bright teary eyes and a soft smile because someone is there to support him, at least in a small way someone can relate to him.

—You can call me too, hyung… please, call me if you need it. —Jimin says and Jackson winks at him like he is flirting and they both laugh as they search for their assigned seats. They are only two lines of seats away, but they can see each other very well and when their respective groups get there, they exchange a look that says: Hold on, you can do it.

Namjoon feels jealousy sipping through his veins when Jimin approaches him that night only to ask for Jackson’s number.

—Oh, sorry if I interrupted your date. —Jimin says, the others are in Namjoon’s room as well, they seem like they are chatting while waiting on their food and he tries really hard to be happy for them. —I just wanted Jackson’s number and I’ll leave.

—Is not a date… we are just talking… —Namjoon tries, but Jimin doesn’t look at him, he’s just copying the number. The leader gave him his phone to copy the number in order to make him stay a little more, but Jimin doesn’t look like he wants to come in.

—I don’t care.

—You can join us… —Taehyung is the one who speaks and Jimin gives back his phone to Namjoon and doesn’t even look away from his phone screen.

—You don’t have to lie and I don’t want to be invited out of pity, so no thanks. Thank you for the number and… have a good night. —Namjoon is going to stop Jimin but he doesn’t have a chance to do it because Jimin turns around as fast as he can and leave.

—This is stupid… we should have ask him to join us since the beginning not start a rant between us if we should ask him. —Hoseok says, he looks angry, disappointed also.

—What’s with Jimin asking for Jackson’s number? —Jin asks and Namjoon sighs heavily.

—I heard Jackson flirting with Jimin today…

—No fucking way he is our boyfriend. —Jungkook blurts out.

—Apparently he’s not… and that’s our fault.


	4. 4. A little of fake love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, I have to ask two things before I forget.   
> 1\. Is anyone more comfortable with (") for dialogues or (-)? I could change it if you want. I use (-) because I'm more use to it since in spanish you use those type of things to put dialogues, but let me know which one you prefer! :)  
> 2\. I want a happy ending for this, of course, but at the same time I'm having a hard time in choosing whether or not Jimin should stay with them or move on. Initially my main goal is making them suffer, but along that suffering, they would learn how to love and treat Jimin better and Jimin would learn how to love himself. Let me know your thoughts on it!   
> And well, I'll try to update every week, my chapters are not that long because I have to write and rewrite and make sure everything is at least decent enough to read so my schedule is every week, if I update any other day it just means I was inspired enough. Thank you for all the love and comments, if you want to follow me on twitter at @JackCollins112 cuz I'm alone there and I want friends. lol. Lots of love. <3

It is not just that Jimin had close himself to be able to protect himself from the others. No, Jimin doesn’t hate the boys, he really loves them and he wants to be with them as before, but his heart just hurts too much.

If he makes an effort on remember the good things he had with them, soon he remembers the bad things they got him through and that becomes a heavy and horrible sensation on his stomach stopping him from feeling at ease for several days.

So omitting those things and acting in a cold and distance way with them is just a form to protect himself even If he didn’t want to be rude.

He is grateful that their busy schedule didn’t allow them the chance to approach him with the subject, just as they wanted to do some times while they were taking a break during practice.

The comeback was going smoothly and according to plan and the people’s response was incredible and made everyone have true smiles on his faces.

Jimin suffers alone in silence because he can’t be part of that love the boys show between them, he feels like all that time he received just fake love and it hurts thinking about it.

Namjoon is kind with him, treating him with pet names and lovely words, he appreciated his ideas for “Serendipity” when he showed them to him, Namjoon treated him like a real and professional artist and he felt proud and loved.

He is in love with Namjoon. Their walks and their peaceful dates always were, in some way, good for Jimin, but he couldn’t remember just one date of a place he loved.  
Not because their walks, book stores or the park weren’t pretty or interesting but that is not his type of fun and with Namjoon he always felt like it was better to give in and agree to the places Namjoon wanted to take him, without putting too much attention to the sad feeling he had when Namjoon refuses to go shopping with him or visiting an anime store he use to scape totally alone, because no one wanted to dress up, hide and take alternatives routes to avoid cameras, fans and unwanted people.

It is not like he wasn’t happy with him, but if it was real, then he shouldn’t feel sad. It is like knowing you were only wanted for the things you could offer and for a long time he didn’t thought that was a bad sign.

***

If there is something that hurts Jimin from time to time it is the topic of his weight, something that a lot times was lightly dismissed, until the point he was about to be get into the hospital for the amount of times he fainted during practice.

He always thought that it hadn’t been on purpose that his bandmates didn’t say anything about it, everyone simply had their own problems around that time and they didn’t notice that Jimin was taking his diet to a dangerous limit that could probably cause him an irreversible disorder. So his weight and the things he eats are a delicate topic, it makes him over think the things he ingest, because even if he wanted to deny it, certainly he’s been faking for a long time that he doesn’t have a problem at looking himself in a mirror or when he eats something with a lot of calories.

And even if he laughed at Jin’s jokes, trying to take his comments easily, he couldn’t ignore the stinging pain on his chest every time Jin joked about his weight, telling him that he was obese or gaining more weight. And if Jimin wanted to enjoy a dessert, sometimes he heard Jin, close enough, telling him to stop eating like that because he was going to be fatter than he already was.

Jin always said that those were just jokes and he treated him with love after that, making sure he ate everything on his plate when he made his favorite meals, so Jimin ignored his insecurities, eating them inside him with every spoonful.

It is not like he wasn’t happy with Jin, but is not supposed to be that people who loves you make jokes about things that hurts you.

Hoseok is nice, kind and warm, he let Jimin sleep with him every once in a while when Jimin is having a hard time missing his parents or the overwhelming sensation of not being able to reach perfection is too much and it’s drowning him.

But at the same time Hoseok is hard when practice time is on, he scold him every time he makes a mistake and sometimes he even scream at him to get in the right position and Jimin jumps at the tone of voice, scared and nervous, making more mistakes than usual because he hates it when people scream at him, he hates the feeling of being scolded when he’s trying his best.

“If you are going to keep dancing like that you better stop, I don’t have to be pushing you this much, you are suppose to be a dancer and you are suppose to do better.” Hoseok yells and Jimin breaks down on the floor, crying because he’s exhausted, his legs are burning and he cannot do it, he keeps messing the steps and it’s only getting worse and worse and Hoseok keeps yelling at him every time he misses one step.

“If that’s all you gonna do, then I better leave you here on your own”

He begs for him to stay and Hoseok stays with him for that night and they keep practicing until Jimin gets the steps right on time. Next morning Jimin gets high fever and is unable to get out of bed, but Hoseok still remains silence, never acknowledging that is his fault, because he is pushing Jimin too much, too far.

It happens with Taehyung and Jungkook too, but Jimin is clearly more affected by the yelling because he said since the beginning he wasn’t a hip hop dancer, he danced lots of other things but he can learn, step by step, without the yelling, but Hoseok doesn’t care at all, he keeps pushing him until those high fever mornings repeat on and on.

There’s a point where those mornings doesn’t happen anymore and Jimin is used to being yelled at, but he barely misses a step now and when he does he doesn’t let it happen again and he doesn’t mess the whole practice because he is doing better know.

But you shouldn’t be afraid of a people who claims that loves you, and is not like Jimin is not in love with Hoseok, he loves him deeply, but he controls him.

YoonGi is the other one who tends to control him every time something is not as he wants. Usually is the people who he talks to, his friends and new people on the industry because YoonGi is jealous. Or at least that’s what Jimin thinks because YoonGi never says anything about it, he just make annoyed faces and then give him the cold shoulder if Jimin was doing something he didn’t approve.

He also had a problem with Jimin’s clothes. Every time Jimin was wearing something YoonGi didn’t approve, he had to change before going out. He is not able to do anything about the stage outfits, but he wanted to control everything Jimin wears in the house or outside of it, like in airports or the company building for practice.

“You are showing off. Why are you always doing this? You want more attention? Do I matter to you? Do we matter to you as your boyfriends?” YoonGi snaps at him one particular day Jimin is wearing a comfortable outfit, shorts, boots and a white long sleeve shirt, his legs are showing and one of the trainees from the company compliments his body and legs because he is a muscular dancer, his body is perfect as a dancer and the trainee is just being nice and nothing else.

“I’m not showing off, hyung please… I’m just…”

“I don’t care, I told you to change your clothes before going out and you didn’t. Why are you always like this?” He spits, angry and then he leaves directly to his studio.

It takes Jimin two days, a blowjob and sex in the living room of their house to be able to get YoonGi happy again.

But the situation happens again and he’s always in the position of being ignored by YoonGi. He loves him, they share a special bond where Jimin is the only one who could help him sleep when he is thinking too much, when his head is just too loud. They talk for hours and play games together, they drink together and share many special things so Jimin easily forgets about those days where YoonGi ignores him, those days where YoonGi is too angry with him because he did something YoonGi didn’t approve.

With Taehyung and Jungkook the situation is a bit more different, they love each other as much as they love the others, but Jimin notices those two have a strong bond and he can’t blame them, they are the youngers of the group and they understand each other better than the others, but they still love all of them. But Jimin is a little jealous because he wants to be with them. He doesn’t remember when was the last time they went out in a date because nowadays all they do is going out alone, without telling him, not even as an afterthought. And then they start going out with Hoseok and not texting him to go with them to places like the Italian place he wanted to go but he couldn’t because he didn’t know anything about it just because they forgot to send him a damn text message. They forgot… They forgot him, on the day he was recording the MV of the song he wrote for them.

And that’s why he cries on the phone, Jackson is whispering softly and tender things to soothe him while Jimin is crying on the bathroom of his hotel room so no one can hear him because everything is too much, his hearts just hurts too much and his body is craving the love he never had.

“I know it seems hard… please Jiminnah… You will make hyung cry… please don’t cry…” Jackson is repeating the same things, just letting Jimin know he is still there, he is waiting there in the phone call, waiting for him to calm down, waiting for him to cry out all the pain he is feeling right now.

They have been talking about a lot of stuff those past weeks, Jackson knows Jimin is busy and he himself is busy with his own schedule but they make time to answer each other, and with the time and the sharing of stories and troubles, Jimin finally opens up to him, a pretty dark night when Jimin is a lot more sad than other nights and Jackson feels like Jimin is not ok, or at least he is worse than other nights and that’s why he spends all his night talking with him, making sure he goes to bed after drinking water and sleep at least some hours after crying like that.

Jackson doesn’t want to be the one in the position to fix this problem because is not his problem and he’s not the one who should realize something is wrong with the way Jimin is treated. He can see or at least he thinks that in some way they are in love with Jimin, they love him, but at the same time they don’t realize Jimin is more than just toy or someone who should be treated like a doll and Jimin loves them, more than they deserve, but he only tells Jimin that he should stay away from people who hurts him and that he should rest, because right now Jimin is not in the position to forgive or forget about what they did to him, it’s his time to heal and if he heals and after that he forgives them and moves on with them or without them, that only is a matter of time, but he wants to be there with Jimin because he feels sometimes the same with his own band mates, but he’s trying to speak with them and thank god they are listening, slowly, everything is changing, he just want to be again part of something beautiful.

And in the meantime, he knows Jimin should not walk alone.


	5. Elastic Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jimin can't stop thinking about his decision. Hoseok and Jin realize they have to start somewhere.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you like this chapter. Sorry if there's too many grammar mistakes. Wish everyone is safe and healthy. <3

His feet are moving to the sound of the song playing in the background and his body turns around and his arms move with it, decorating the frame of his body as he slide them up and down, like waves of emotions and pure art while his feet spin in the floor again and his hands are up in the air while he sighs his emotions with so much force. He does a flip and lift himself up in his tiptoes like dancing ballet, making his movements so elegant and precise.

_“…But I have thick skin and an elastic heart, but your blade, it might be too sharp… I’m like a rubber band until you pulled too hard…”_

There’s a pause of the music, slow as he walks elegant and then his arms are up again, he is just expressing his feelings, then the beat drops again and his body is the perfect tool for showing how he feels, how his feelings are hurt and how much he desire for the pain to be over soon.

The song is playing as he dances with the music, interpreting the sounds with his movements and feelings.

_“… Let's be clear, I won't close my eyes and I know that I can survive I walked through fire to save my life and I want it, I want my life so bad and I'm doing everything I can…”_

The first tear of his eyes rolls up on his cheek as he moves around the floor, the music blasting but getting deep into his heart.

_“…Then another one bites the dust It's hard to lose a chosen one, you did not break me…”_

But he doesn’t let that to stop him from moving, from dancing his heart out and feeling like he is doing something for himself, because this is what makes him feel free, just dance, doing what he loves the most.

By the time the song finally finish, he is on his knees, bending over the floor but he is only breathing harshly as he tries to calm himself down.

There’s this sudden silence that fills the hall and he knows it’s too late to be awake and dancing, but he feels like at least some of the weight of his shoulders is no longer there.

“It’s been such a long time since I saw you dance like that” The voice in the room makes Jimin stand immediately, but then he recognizes Hoseok in the entrance of the room and he calms down. A sigh is out of his lips but he doesn’t say anything to Hoseok and just walks towards the CD player and turns it off. He needs to go home, his legs are burning and he is tired, but at least he feels good.

“It is so late now, we can go home together” Hoseok says, in an attempt to gain Jimin’s attention at least once.

“Were you waiting for me?” Jimin asks and Hoseok nods immediately. “I know you always come here if something is bothering you and I know that we bother you a lot nowadays so I knew you would be here” He sounds like he’s trying to joke, but it doesn’t come out that well because Jimin doesn’t laugh.

“Well, you shouldn’t have, I’m on my way home” Jimin finally says after a long pause. He is collecting his stuff, quiet and different from what Hoseok used to see of Jimin. The kid was always running late, taking his stuff as fast as he could because someone was waiting for him, but not now, Jimin looks like he is not running for anyone right now.

Hoseok is still standing in the entrance when Jimin is done and ready to go.

“Is there anything you want?” Jimin asks, it comes out a little ruder than he wanted, but Hoseok doesn’t mind the tone.

“Nothing, I just wanted to wait for you and go home with you” He replies, but Jimin doesn’t seem happy with that.

“No, really. Tell me what is it? You guys don’t wait on me anymore because I never pay for the ride, so that’s not the reason.” Jimin says bitterly, and Hoseok knows pretty well where that comes from.

“Jimin, you know we always wait for you so we know you are safe.”

“Like the time you faked you didn’t hear me? And I had to walk home?” Jimin shakes his head with a bitter smile on his lips and walks past Hoseok who follows him directly.

“Jimin, please… I just wanted to talk and walk with you… that’s it, please… We are still friends, right?” Jimin doesn’t say anything about that, he just walks. They pass by the last people in the building and say their goodbyes and goodnights politely and walk outside.

“I guess we can walk, but I don’t know if we are friends anymore.” Jimin says, once they are out and walking in the streets to get back home.

“I know for you right now we are just a bunch of assholes who fail you and hurt you, and I didn’t want to start this as an apology or a walk of shame with you because sometimes that’s not enough to fix all that we did, and all I personally did.” Their steps are slow, like they doesn’t want to really walk because they both are tired, but still, somehow, the walk feels like something they really need. The air is fresh and the city is calm by now, it almost feel like the scene out of a movie, but this is a tragic one.

“It could be not enough… but it’s a start.” Jimin says, voice small and neutral and Hoseok looks at him and sees a different Jimin, like a different person yet the same body and face. He thinks is because Jimin is not around anymore, he is, but he is not at the same time, no when it matters. No when they are celebrating something or when they are laughing about something. It’s been months and Jimin is getting far away from them each day that passes.

“Yeah, it’s a start… and that’s why I wanted to talk to you… I still love you, you know? We still love you…” Hoseok says suddenly, and maybe it’s not the best choice of words because Jimin stops and looks at him, but he’s not angry, he just looks confused.

“What? Why you look at me like that? Do you really think we don’t love you? That we are fine without you and we are having the time of our lives without you? Because we are not, Jimin… We’re nothing without you…”

“Please stop… stop this. I just wanted to walk and that’s it, I don’t want to hear this, what do you think? That I’m going to listen to all this and suddenly say ‘Hey, I’m stupid, I forgive you all for what you did and I’m going to go back to you, guys’, is that what you want to hear? Because I won’t say anything like that” Jimin is out of breathe when he finishes, he wasn’t screaming but letting those words out of his body and mind is tiring, because he’s been holding it inside for too long.

“I know you are not going to forgive us that easily, Jimin. But if we meant something… you are going to forgive us… and not because we are going to seat and wait for you to forgive us out of the blue, no. I prefer you screaming at us and blaming us and telling us what’s wrong or what we did wrong that sitting there in the fucking silence of our room all the time and waiting… I’m done waiting. I did wrong, I fucking lose you because I did wrong and I’m not going to pretend it doesn’t fucking kill me every day… but if I’m going to search for you forgiveness, at least I’m going to fucking do something…” Hoseok is out of breath too, his eyes are burning with the initial feeling of tears forming there and Jimin is scared, not scared of Hoseok, no… He is scared of everything that he’s feeling right now, so he takes a step back and breathes, looking at the cars passing by.

“Forgiving you doesn’t mean I’m going to go back with all of you.”

“No, I know that… But I can’t imagine a life where you are not with us, because even if we don’t get your love anymore, loving you would be enough and having you with us would be enough”

***

They took a ride back home at the end because it was late, they were tired and screaming their feelings out was tiring too. When they arrived all the other members were still awake and in the living room, waiting for them.

Whenever they were home and Jimin was late, someone was always up, waiting for him.

“Where were you at? We were worried!” Jin says immediately, the look on his face is of someone who is relieve.

“I was waiting for Jimin in the company, sorry I didn’t text” Hoseok is the first to speak and Jimin just nods and walks pass them so he can go to his room and then take a shower, he wants to sleep but he is sweaty and smells.

“Jimin, wait, aren’t you going to have dinner?” Jin stops him, taking his arm and Jimin looks at him confused.

So this is it, this is the way everyone start slowly trying to gain forgiveness. And it’s not that Jimin doesn’t want to forgive them, he just doesn’t think he is ready to hear all those apologies, or not even sure if he wants those apologies. But at the same time, being petty and acting like he is never going to forgive them is not something that will bring him peace, and absolutely in no way is going to solve the problem or at least give it a closure at last.

They came back to home a couples days ago, after all the busy schedule they had in the USA with their new comeback and the charts blowing up with their new album. Everything is amazing for them, the new opportunities and all that, but it was a difficult time as well. Dealing with the depression and mixed feelings (mostly those being negative) often lead them to have bad nights or days, almost fainting after an stage or being too anxious to even going in public.

Jimin knew they were suffering as well as he did, but they kept the façade, smiled at everyone, laughed at every joke and taking in all the questions of the interviews.

“I’m going to take a shower first and then I’ll eat something… You don’t have to wait for me, go to sleep, you all must be tired.” Jimin says, loud and clear for everyone and then he disappears directly to his room.

While he showers he thinks about what Hoseok said, it hits different now that he is not angry or letting his emotions control him. Jackson was the first one to suggest that he needs to see a therapist, to help him get through all the things he is feeling, but even if Jackson suggested it one time only, the idea is stuck in his head ever since. Jimin knows that if he asks for a therapist, the company would assign him one, just as they did the time before and as they did with YoonGi after his mental breakdown. They all have gone see a therapist at least once, for different kind of stuff, but even if Jimin is not fond of those memories, he feels like is the best way out, his mind needs to rest and he needs to find peace too, because even if it’s been months since the breakup, his heart is still aching and his wounds are open, bleeding.

He thinks that is not only Hoseok doing those kind of things with him, he knows all of them have been more focus on what he does and where he is and only because he doesn’t want to be in the position of standing behind or looking like he is mad at them, he humors them. The fans are too quickly to catch if something is wrong between them and he doesn’t want to let that happen, especially not now.

Some of the things he recognizes are the usual, because with each day that passes his anger and pain eases to a decent amount so he can breathe and see properly past his bad memories and see that not everything was bad, there were good things about their relationship, things that he misses and some other that they do and make his days easy. Could be that enough? He asks himself every time, but never finding the answer.

It’s almost an hour later when he finally goes back to the kitchen. It feels strange to be in home again, or in that house they call home because it doesn’t feel like it. Sure it’s bigger and nicer, but it doesn’t feel like a home anymore. He feels like a stranger invading those rooms, feeling like a ghost searching for the pieces of his soul that were ripped apart in those same rooms.

He lets out a deep sigh and Jin jumps at the loud sound, making Jimin aware of his presence.

“What are you doing here?” Jimin asks first while Seokjin calms down.

“I… I was waiting for you and also I’ve been having difficulties to sleep and I thought it would be better if I waited for you.” Jin’s voice is always calm, soft, Jimin remembers clearly how the voice of his hyung lured him to sleep sometimes.

“You shouldn’t have, you should be trying to sleep at least.” Jimin walks towards the fridge, but Jin quickly stands up from his seat and goes directly to the microwave.

“I left your dinner here, I’ll heat it.” He push the buttons of the microwave and then it start making a buzz sound while heating the food.

“Uh… Thank you…” Jimin takes the orange juice cartoon out of the fridge and sits in the kitchen table, looking at the microwave and waiting for the food in an uncomfortable silence between Jin and him.

They pretty much eat in silence because Jin heats food for himself too and sits beside Jimin, eating and making comments here and there about the food. Jimin pours Jin a glass of orange juice and another one for him, but they don’t do anymore comments about anything important.

“Whatever you want to say… You should say it right now.” Jimin says after that long silence between them and Jin is obviously caught off guard by Jimin’s word, so he clears his throat and takes a sip of his juice, setting the glass carefully on the table, taking his time to think about what he is going to say next.

“I guess Hoseok said something to you, isn’t it?” He asks and Jimin nods his head, finishing his food slowly so he has something else to focus on, Jin doesn’t blame him and he is not going to push him to look at him while he speaks. “Well, I hope he didn’t say something stupid or rude, we have done pretty terrible this past months and I don’t want anyone else fucking things up again or more than we did.”

Jin is always like that, just like Namjoon, he talks like he has to be the father figure, the one to fix all their problems and the one who takes accountability of the things they do. But right now Jimin doesn’t want to hear him talk for everyone, because is not fair.

“We may not be in the best terms, but I don’t hate you. You know?” Jin is surprised by that, not because he thinks Jimin hates him, is because Jimin should hate him, hate them, but he doesn’t and he knows it’s because Jimin has a big heart, one they destroy and hurt but still, Jimin doesn’t hate him.

“I don’t know why you don’t hate me, but I do hate myself” Jin replies and Jimin’s heart clenches inside a little. “We talk a lot of shit about loving ourselves but look at me… I hate myself because of what I did and I don’t even know how to apologize for it… or even if an apology is enough” Jin finishes his juice and lets out a deep breathe, he lowers his shoulder like he tries to ease the weight of the blame.

“You’re right… an apology is not enough…” Jimin speaks with the truth and Jin accepts that, it’s for the better. “But as I said to Hobi hyung… it’s a start. Don’t expect me to come running to you after an apology because I think we all have to heal… and don’t expect me to heal and get back to you again because I don’t know if that’s going to happen”

Jin doesn’t usually cry, his tears are always silent and from all of them, the only one who doesn’t usually cry in front of others is Jin, he’s always holding his tears so he can comfort his bandmates, his friends, his boyfriends. He kisses the pain away from them and jokes about things to make them laugh, making sure all of them are happy. Seeing Jin cry is painful and Jimin wants to hug him and kiss him again, but is not the right time and it will only make thing worst so he doesn’t move.

“Jiminnah… if that doesn’t happen its ok. We messed up, we don’t deserve your forgiveness, but at least let me be selfish one last time and ask you for something.”

“Sure…” Jimin says, just to help him calm down because no matter how hurt he is, he doesn’t want to make them suffer or cry like this. They were supposed to be happy.

“Stay with us… don’t leave the band, don’t leave your dream… we are not going to bother you anymore, just stay with us… no matter if you don’t love us anymore, we will be happy to see you happy again… we’ll do anything in our hands to make you happy again even if that means to help you find another love, whatever it takes, I promise you, we will try make things better.”

Jin offers his hand for Jimin and he looks at Jin’s eyes full of tears and Jimin can’t hold his own tears because as much as he is hurt, his heart aches in different ways for them, he even craves for the touch and the lovely warm of their arms, those long hugs in the night or the soft touches to make him sleep. He misses all of that.

But he doesn’t reach for Jin’s hand and just nods, wiping his tears with the back of his hand.

“Just give me time…” He asks, and Jin is disappointed and sad, but he doesn’t blame Jimin, he only blames himself.

“Take all the time you need, Jimin. We’ll be waiting.”

Sleeping that night was the hardest, because all this thoughts were flooding in his mind and he couldn’t stop thinking about it. He wanted to heal, but soon he realized living there with the source of his pain, wasn’t going to help at all. Maybe it was time to start his journey, his own healing journey. That’s what he needed, time for himself and also the others needed time alone from him.

Telling them about his decision was going to be awful for everyone, but they needed to start somewhere, and this is where Jimin has to draw the line or they would never heal their wounds.


End file.
